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<title>idontwannabeanymore by ditheringmind</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26117161">idontwannabeanymore</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ditheringmind/pseuds/ditheringmind'>ditheringmind</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>teen wolf - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bad alpha Scott but he gets better, Depression, M/M, Neglectful Pack, Suicidal Thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:41:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,161</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26117161</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ditheringmind/pseuds/ditheringmind</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>You know what, he will just leave a note. Simple and to the point. (Left, don’t follow, not coming back) and maybe a picture of his eyebrows to hammer his point home.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>idontwannabeanymore</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Did you know coming up with a summary is super hard? Lol so this is not beta-read so I apologize for any mistakes and thank you so much for stopping by!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Some days, Derek thinks about holding a gun to his head and blowing his brains out. He obviously doesn’t do it because a)he doesn’t own a gun, and b)he is horribly embarrassed just thinking about someone having to scrape his brains off the wall.</p><p>Other days he thinks about swerving his car into oncoming traffic, but he doesn’t do that either because the last thing he would want is to cause someone else to die or suffer. He has done that too many times already. So that’s out. Maybe if he drove into a tree? That probably wouldn’t work though because he once got thrown off a six-story building by hunters, damn near broke every bone in his body, but he had still healed. Had taken a week instead of a day, but he had survived.</p><p>Maybe he could eat wolfsbane? Bake it into a brownie or something, so at least it would taste good going down. He already knows from being forced to bite Gerard that all mountain ash does is give him a severe case of diarrhea. Mistletoe? But that’s too hard to find this time of year. </p><p>He could just turn himself over to hunters or call Kate. He laughs at that thought because Kate would never kill him, she would just torture him until they are both old and gray. She might even de-age him a few times to make it last longer. </p><p>Maybe he should do a full shift, tuck his tail between his legs and limp off into the forest. He could probably live out his days as a wolf; the thought doesn’t seem so bad. Chasing game and laying out in the sun whenever he feels<br/>
like it, but he wouldn’t do that here, not California. He would go to Alaska or Canada. Someplace completely isolated.</p><p>Might take the pack months even to notice he is missing, yeah, much better than finding his dead body. Right? But Stiles, he will come looking, won’t he? </p><p>You know what, he will just leave a note. Simple and to the point. (Left, don’t follow, not coming back) and maybe a picture of his eyebrows to hammer his point home. </p><p>Derek rolls over in bed, pulling his blanket up to his chin. He thought he would feel better once a plan was in place. Still, it does nothing to quell the roaring in his head or the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, maybe feels worse because he is such a spineless coward, too scared to off himself and to chicken shit to stay and face the rest of his miserable life.</p><p>He sighs deeply and kicks the blankets off, flipping onto his back, and throwing an arm over his eyes. He doesn’t even know why he bothers trying to sleep anymore. He is lucky if he can get two or three hours in a row. </p><p>Sleep doesn’t happen per usual. Derek tosses and turns for hours before he gives up and makes his way over to his laptop. He researches Alaska, looks up random locations of lakes and rivers, tries to remember if he has any knowledge about any of the twelve Alaskan packs because he wants to wallow in solitude, so he better be damn sure he won’t come across any other werewolves. Or humans.</p><p>He then sends an email to his realtor, letting the over-eager agent know that he wants to put his building up for sale. He sends another email to his financial advisor, asking to set up a meeting. Derek wants to get rid of his blood money he has barley touched it so might as well put it to good use by setting up trusts for all the pack members. </p><p>The last thing he does just as the sun emerges and sends golden rays through his windows is look for the phone numbers to the billing departments of Eichen House and Beacon Hills Memorial Hospital. He will call during business hours and pay off the Stilinski’s debt, all of it including any remaining debts incurred by Stiles mother. </p><p>Satisfied he has set the ball in motion, he debates whether to go for a run or curl back up in bed. If he runs, he knows it will clear his head, and he will maybe feel better, BUT no matter what jogging route he takes, he will end up encountering other people, and this early in the morning, it’s usually the wealthy housewife crowd. He shudders at the thought. And there is a pack meeting tonight. He can only deal with so many social interactions in a day. </p><p>He crawls back into bed and pulls the covers up over his head. </p><p>The pack forgot he was coming to the meeting that or they forgot his existence. Because when he got too their usual meeting spot at Scott’s house, the place was empty. He checked his phone to make sure he had the right time and to see if he missed any texts or calls. He hadn’t.</p><p>Derek stood, looking at the house, not angry but embarrassed. He probably should have confirmed the date and time. He texts Scott to apologize for missing it. </p><p>Derek: Sorry, I missed the meeting tonight. I had a lot going on today, and I must have lost track of time.</p><p>It’s not entirely a lie, time flowed like water around him sometimes moving too fast and other times standing still. He often forgot what day of the week it was.</p><p>He is halfway back to his loft before Scott texts back. </p><p>Scott: Oh, yeah, we sort of changed our plans and went laser tagging. We didn’t think you would want to come.</p><p>Derek swallows his suddenly thick saliva and throws his phone into the footwell of his car. He eyeballs the big oak tree growing along the side of the road. Maybe if he drove fast enough, the damage would be too severe, and he would die on impact. He presses on the gas, and that's when he notices the red and blue lights flashing behind him.</p><p>Derek pulls to the side of the road, ironically right in front of the tree, and rolls down his window.</p><p>The officer that gazes at him isn't one he knows, so he mentally prepares himself for the harassment that’s sure to come. Half the town thinks he killed his sister, and the other half believe he burned his whole family. </p><p>”Do you know why I pulled you over, Mr. Hale?”</p><p>Derek isn't surprised the officer knew his name before even asking for his license and registration. </p><p>”No.” He doesn’t think he was speeding. </p><p>”Mr. Hale, you were using your phone while operating a motor vehicle. That's an automatic ticket.”</p><p>Figures, the cop gives him a yellow piece of paper and says his ticket will arrive in the mail in seven to ten business days.</p><p>Derek doesn’t care; it's not like he will be around that long anyway.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Truth is I wrote this because This is the way I feel and I thought maybe if I put those feelings down onto paper, gave them to someone else (Derek) they would go away. My plan is to take Derek through the motions of getting better. Stiles will show up because right now sterek is the only thing that makes me feel anything and I think it’s the same for Derek. Lol Anyway Sorry about my whining. I think this will only be about three chapter.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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